Mercedes starts selling performance-enhancing software updates for the EQS and EQE in the US

So you bought a brand-spanking-new Mercedes EV, of the EQS or EQE variety, in the US. You're enjoying all the luxury, the comfort, the envious looks on the street, the huge performance - wait, actually, about that. Did you know that your EQE or EQS is capable of even more performance than it's allowed you to experience so far? Yes, yours. Your actual car. No need to take it to a shop, no need to take it back to Mercedes. It can just magically have more performance unlocked.

It's almost as if the "download more RAM" meme from the proto-internet age came to life! Or, to put it in dino-juice car terms, it's chip tuning but done by the manufacturer itself, over the air!

So, you have two tiers. The EQE gets the cheaper stuff, since it's the cheaper car. For this model, to unleash more performance (we'd say "the full performance" but who knows, maybe Mercedes is holding back still and will in a year or two release a further enhancement for an additional fee?) you can pay $60 each month, $600 each year, or $1,950 once. That's it. See? It's cheap, compared to the tens of thousands (or more) you already paid for it! Sunk cost fallacy for the win, right? If yours is an EQS instead, then it's $90 each month, or $900 each year, or $2,950 once.

So what do you actually get for this cash? Well, the EQE 350 4MATIC Sedan or SUV gain 60 hp (from 288 to 348). This means 5.1s 0-60mph (0-96 km/h) acceleration for the Sedan, compared to 6s without the package, and 5.2s for the SUV, compared to 6.2s before.

The EQS 450 4MATIC Sedan and SUV both receive 80 extra hp (magic!), while acceleration goes from 5.3s to 4.5s in the Sedan and from 5.8s to 4.9s in the SUV. Surely those numbers are brag-worthy enough to warrant paying?

Note that currently the aforementioned models are the only ones to which this offer applies. The new feature called Acceleration Increase On-Demand is available through the Mercedes me connect Store.

By the way, for your peace of mind, Mercedes stresses that "hardwired, standard features, such as heated seats, will not be offered as digital extras". It's only the 'non-hardwired', non-standard stuff such as extra performance that's subject to additional payments, apparently. This is a transparent attempt to throw some shade in BMW's direction, in a hilarious 'pot calling the kettle black' moment.